Meditation 59: Friends or Lovers

Which are better, friends or passionate lovers? Must a choice be made? Sometimes the answer does seem to be 'yes.' It is very possible to fall in erotic love with someone whose character one does not particularly admire. This is true with every variety of sexual orientation. The ubiquitous 'chemistry' necessary for physical passion does not seem to subordinate itself very comfortably to the orbit of morality or good judgment. Romantic love stories are fraught with obstacles, tensions, and strong emotions.  The wrong people fall in love, and sheer chemistry keeps them together outside of society's conventional bounds. Witness Tristram and Isolde. A love potion binds them in a spell of love that goes directly against their moral and legal duties. Morally speaking, Isolde has no business falling in love with Tristram, and vice versa, when she is sailing to England to marry the King.

What happens to these old lovers when the chemistry dies, as from overuse, it often will? Do they become friends, or do they drift apart, becoming merely past chapters of their lives together? I suspect they will not be friends, because they were brought together, not for friendship, but for an intimate physical togetherness and sex. There can be other attractions as well, but where chemistry leads, thinking is almost sure to follow, and all faults will be excused, if not as virtues, exactly, then as pretty blemishes.

Aristotle spoke of three factors that bring people together. One is pleasure. One is usefulness. And the last is a more unconditional love or friendship that is based on a mutual pursuit of what is admirable and good. A chemical love relation is based on pleasure, and is, therefore, liable to be severed when the pleasure is no longer forthcoming. There is no longer any reason to keep the relationship active. Such dissolutions often occur. It is a fact of life. Yet, there is no logical bar to the combination of friendship and erotic love.

In other words, there is no bar to feeling a chemical relation with someone one also admires deeply, and respects. Mutual respect does not rule out hot sex in appropriate settings. However, this does seem to be a pure contingent connection, since being 'admirable' does not always mean the same as 'sexy.' There is an unavoidable personal element in such matters. The best form of romantic is love is for someone whose friendship you would seek, independently of the excitement of physical attraction.  Honesty with oneself can be difficult in this area, but it is best. The trouble is that desire often prevails over what is best, and it is then that we must distinguish love and friendship.